I'm prob going to delete this

 I feel sick to my stomach 

Because of this legal issue I had in 2108, it was theft and the company overreacted

And all of these other things. I know it's summer , it's been five years since the legal thing

But it isn't like everything is amazing now- the 2018 thing was like straw that broke the camels back

I don't want to write that "I have a drinking problem" but I might and  I tried avoiding it because I knew my parents are addicts and I didn't want to fall into addiction like they did

The therapist I was seeing to address depression and drinking, SHE DIED of cancer

The therapist I'm seeing now is pretty good but not the right fit for me so I'm frantically emailing other therapists and even emailed Better Help but they got a bad review from someone on TikTok

So I'm struggling with finding the right therapy (I'm in long term recovery from childhood things)

I'm also attempting to keep positive because it is summer, I'm still lesson planning for biology lessons (and interviewing at school wish me luck!), and generally just trying to be on top of my career because it is a nice distraction from personal stuff, and life

There's so many other things, I still make bad decisions every day. I do things , like 3 or 4 times a week that I don't understand it's like a brain parasite has infected me, or like... some stockholm syndrome maybe? Like when Belle was kidnapped by Beast ... and then she fell in love with him? 

I'm doing other things, I' reading ... starting a book for a book club - a book by JoJo Meyers, finished a book by Nicholas Sparks who has been my OG but his setting of North Carolina is so annoying

Writing helps too- not writing about psychology but just writing poems helps. I'm also picking up new languages to relearn

I don't remember if I wrote this- I feel lost.

My lawyer who is 60 has more followers than me on TikTok... I can't even delete a few TikToks I posted in 2020. That makes me so angry. Sorry if you read this, lawyer, no offense intended 

That is also another thing I don't feel like I have privacy

I feel like I don't know who I am, like there is someone with a remote control controlling me or a brain parasite. 

 long term depression and anxiety looks... like this!  Being frantic on my blog and scared.  I feel scared and unsafe

all of the time

I feel like this ... in Switzerland with my mom, in USA with my family, in Kazakhstan with my other family - I don't feel like there is a location I can go to where I'm safe.  That sounds like a mental illness to me- if I was listening to myself from a third person perspective I would say - this girl needs to go to a hospital . And I have been!   Possibly I'm not on a good treatment right now, or I need to focus more on ... self soothing. Maybe I need more religion and spirituality

My boyfriend in college was on the football team and after graduation he became a pastor and I was embarrassed because ... I felt like religion is for the weak if someone is paying $50,000 a year for you to get a degree.  Ugh self criticism and self hatred is not helping

This is where I leave this post

Thanks for listening

Kristina